Tuesday, February 14, 2006

White House Press Corps Outraged, Cries "Foul!"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was relentlessly berated by reporters today at the daily press conference over information that was witheld from the media regarding Vice President Dick Cheney. "We have a right to know what the Vice President has been up to," claimed one disgruntled reporter.

Clearly upset about hearing the news second-hand from another media outlet, reporters took out thier anger on McClellan alledging a cover-up. Picked up from a small media outlet, reporters discovered that Vice President Cheney dropped a metaphorical bomb Tuesday evening.

First reported by the Highlights magazine, Vice President Cheney traversed the 21 foot journey to his private bathroom and proceeded to take a dump.

An anonymous White House janitor who saw the vice president en route, later informed him that he would have to alert the press to such an incident as the bathroom was in his cleaning jurisdiction. Cheney is reported to have replied by stating, "I don't give a Sh**" which is notably milder language than customarily heard from Cheney.

When speaking to reporters at Highlights, the unidentified janitor is quoted as saying "I saw [the vice president] walk into the bathroom. He had a newspaper under his arm and was whistling. He came out about 15 minutes later, which is when I entered the restroom. That's when I had confirmation: He had laid a stinky."

McClellan was stuck defending the vice president's decision not to personally inform the press of the incident. Many questions were raised by reporters and a sample of the exchange reprinted below

Reporter: When did the president know about this?
McClellan: He was informed shortly after the incident.

Reporter: Why did the vice president not call a press conference to discuss with reporters?
McClellan: In hindsight, things could have been handled better.

Reporter: Is it true the the vice president did not spray after he had finished?
McClellan: From what I have gathered, it would appear not. He simply forgot and has taken the proper steps to rectify the situation.

Reporter: Was there not time between when he flushed and washed his hands to call the press?
McClellan: It was his personal decision, I'm sure he replays the situation in his head over and over wondering if he made the right call.

Reporter: Why didn't you tell us about this earlier?
McClellan: Dude, he was just dropping the kids off at the pool, what's the big deal?

Reporter: Is Vice President Cheney worried about impeachment after all of this?
McClellan: You're an idiot.

When asked for comment, the Chairman of the Democratic National Committee Howard Dean had this to say: "It's just like Republicans to cover up such a thing. I think we need full disclosure of such actions and will be looking to subpoena all sewer records. There is something foul about this scandal; it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Once we get the records we will see if Cheney has been doing his duty, and how often. The shit hasn't begun to hit the fan. I don't know what we'll find, but I'm disappointed in him. It's just a really crappy thing to do."

Dean ended the phone interview with " YEEEEE AAAAHHH!!!! and promptly hung up.

My job is done here. I think thats enough poop jokes.